Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Writer's Block

Three days left here at Jentel and I've a torrent of emotions swirling around inside.  I don't want to leave this amazing place, but I really miss my husband, my community, and our land; I'm proud of what I've accomplished but feel I could do so much more if only I stayed longer; I am rested but exhausted, wanting a break from writing yet slightly terrified about re-entering society and the workload we face on the land this warm season. 

Into this maelstrom yesterday strode Writer's Block.  The cow.

Yesterday, sometime mid-afternoon, I hit the wall.  You know, the one you hit after you've been running too hard for too long, or biking too hard for too long, or strawbale-house building too hard for too long?  At least that was my story, and I stuck to it for a good 12 hours.  "I have senioritis," I moaned to Danielle, my sister in community.  She wrote back, "Do you really miss emptying humanure buckets?"

Um, no.  Thanks for the reminder.

This morning, whilst journaling, knowing I had to get back in the saddle this morning and not waste my precious remaining time here it occurred to me that the wall I hit was not THE wall I thought I'd hit, the "you've been going at this too hard; you need to go watch Firefly for two hours" wall.  Nope, I hit the eyewall:  the wall that separates the eye of the hurricane from the main part of the storm.  I finally figured out, if you're stuck in the eye of a hurricane (which all writers are because the hurricanes are, of course, of our own making) there's only one way out.  You guessed it:  through the eyewall, and from there, through the rest of that miserable storm. 

In other words, "no one here gets out alive."

For me to move forward, I have to quit with the bs, and move from that clear, blue skied place where I sat and witnessed all the muck through the eyewall (where the most violent winds live) and get deep into it again.  I'm not looking forward to this, but I know it's the only way out.  

I've got a piece I'm working on in which I try to explain this a bit better.  If I get it done soon, I'll post it.

Love to you all.  Back to work now.  Best go find my galoshes. 

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