Three days left here at Jentel and I've a torrent of emotions swirling around inside. I don't want to leave this amazing place, but I really miss my husband, my community, and our land; I'm proud of what I've accomplished but feel I could do so much more if only I stayed longer; I am rested but exhausted, wanting a break from writing yet slightly terrified about re-entering society and the workload we face on the land this warm season.
Into this maelstrom yesterday strode Writer's Block. The cow.
Yesterday, sometime mid-afternoon, I hit the wall. You know, the one you hit after you've been running too hard for too long, or biking too hard for too long, or strawbale-house building too hard for too long? At least that was my story, and I stuck to it for a good 12 hours. "I have senioritis," I moaned to Danielle, my sister in community. She wrote back, "Do you really miss emptying humanure buckets?"
Um, no. Thanks for the reminder.
This morning, whilst journaling, knowing I had to get back in the saddle this morning and not waste my precious remaining time here it occurred to me that the wall I hit was not THE wall I thought I'd hit, the "you've been going at this too hard; you need to go watch Firefly for two hours" wall. Nope, I hit the eyewall: the wall that separates the eye of the hurricane from the main part of the storm. I finally figured out, if you're stuck in the eye of a hurricane (which all writers are because the hurricanes are, of course, of our own making) there's only one way out. You guessed it: through the eyewall, and from there, through the rest of that miserable storm.
In other words, "no one here gets out alive."
For me to move forward, I have to quit with the bs, and move from that clear, blue skied place where I sat and witnessed all the muck through the eyewall (where the most violent winds live) and get deep into it again. I'm not looking forward to this, but I know it's the only way out.
I've got a piece I'm working on in which I try to explain this a bit better. If I get it done soon, I'll post it.
Love to you all. Back to work now. Best go find my galoshes.